Driving in Australia - Part 1

In order to get by here, I would have to be able to drive every now and then. After ten years, this is not something I'm willing to just give up. All it took for the Australian government to give me permission to drive on the other side of the road was a $15 dollar check made out to AAA and a passport sized photo from Ritz Camera. I was able to take care of all this in the United States. In fact, I can drive in over 200 countries/principalities around the world, scattered across six continents (Antarctica isn't listed, but I think the A stands for Automotive Anarchy). This means I am permissive to drive a moped in Italy, drive like a maniac in Egypt, and wave the rights to use a turning signal in North Dakota.

One would think, given the relative ease to which I was given permission to drive, it would be congruously easy to actually drive. This is not true...driving on the other side of the road is messed up.

It is not idea of driving on the left that is weird, it is that almost everything in the car is mirrored. The driver's seat is on the right. The stick shift is on the left. The turning signal is operated by the right hand instead of the left. Oddly enough though, the petals aren't mirrored. This does make it less difficult to drive on the correct side of the road (god that sounds weird to call the left side the "correct" side.) Throw in that I have really no idea how fast I am driving (unit conversion and driving don't mix). Just DRIVING proved to more difficult than staying on the left side of the road.

So, onto the story. I open up the drivers' side door, only to find that I was on the passengers' side...stupid car. I start rolling, but forget to shift up until I was going about 35 km/hr (?). Jess starts yelling and I forget what is going on. We pull over and start again. The second time was a little better, but still weird. We pull over again. Finally, we get rolling and I start to remember how to drive. We head into town and start driving with other cars around. After a series of turns where I actually didn't make any mistakes, we come upon the scariest single thing in all of foreign driving, the roundabout.

We have roundabouts in the states, they are just hidden away in side streets and never have any other cars on the them. In Australia, you have to yield to all traffic to the right...that much is the same at least. You signal as if you are turning, so, if you will eventually go to the right, you signal right and vise versa. Not too tough.

I approached the roundabout going too fast, so I slowed down quick to allow the guy on my left to go, then almost killed the car to get going again. I was turning right, so I flipped my windshield wipers to fast and went out into the loop. After a couple of honks, I was finally out and going the right direction. Jess's eyes were glazed over in fear...but we were still alive and almost home.

I pull over to do a U-turn to the parking space in front of Jess's house, only I didn't really know where she lived yet, so I was little early. So, like anybody, I put on the windshield wipers and get ready to pull out. Jess is yelling that there are cars coming, so I turn back to the side of the road and hit the curb at 7km/hr (however fast that may be). Jess jumps out of the car and runs the half a block home...she didn't talk to me for a while. But really, ten minutes of driving with only one accident isn't so bad. You trying completely relearning something you've been doing for ten years? Maybe I'd do better in North Dakota.

Aussie Slang pt. 1 - Dead Horse

By popular request, I've decided to submit the first example of silly Aussie slang.

If an Aussie asks you if you'd like dead horse on that, they aren't offering you a hot dog; they are offering you ketchup. Now this sounds really silly cause it is. It takes a few steps to finally reach "dead horse", so let me walk you through this.

In Australia, ketchup or catsup is called tomato sauce. I know not why, I think it is a British thing. A name as vague as tomato sauce should be reserved for something that is just tomatoes in a sauce form (hey, just like how we use it!), not a very specific sauce of vinegar, tomatoes, sugar, and salt. But that is much more forgivable than dead horse, which does not describe any sauce in any way, tomato or otherwise.

Much British slang (and therefore Aussie slang) involves a rhyming game. I guess it was a way for those cockney bastards to converse, so those on the outside can't figure what is going on. The east end of London was quite crime riddled, so this cryptic speak helped criminals elude capture. As many of you know, Australia was a penal colony, so those east enders who stopped to explain the code (thus getting caught) got deported, taking with them much of this rhyming slang. (this is why Aussies are easier to understand than the cockney bastards who had even more time to develop more stupid slang).

So, in Australia, horse and sauce rhyme somehow (I haven't figured out how yet, but if I press my hands tightly against my cheeks, I suppose it works). Dead horse is funnier than just horse, and there you have it, Ketchup(catsup) = Dead horse.

I don't think Aussies actually say this to each other when they are by themselves. I think this is an example of a nationwide joke on Americans. Australia is the land of bullshit as I shall explain later. An Aussie family, I am sure, just asks to pass the ketchup, but as soon as an American enters the room, after the subdued hushes subside "Hey, toss me up some dead horse, mate!"becomes normal. They don't have me fooled: I can hear the snickers.

Aussie Sport Part. 1 - Aussie Rules

Late at night, around once a year on ESPN you may catch a glimpse of a bunch of Aussies sporadically kicking a big football back and forth. If you are so lucky (I mean really lucky, it is rarely on TV in the states {correction, AFL has not been on ESPN in ten or more years, thank you Australian Football Association of North America}) to see such a silly spectacle, this is Aussie rules football, or AFL as they call it (not to be confused with the AFL). Saturday was the grand final, the equivalent of our Super Bowl.

Aussies love their sport (they choose to drop the "s") and among the most popular is Aussie rules football. In fact, I think "footy"is the most popular sport here, just not in this household.

It is a mixture of rugby and soccer. Supposedly, it was based on Gaelic football (again, thanks AFANA), and brought over by settlers in the 1800's. The game was officially formed in the 1850's to give cricket players something to do in the off season. The object of the game is to get the ball or "footy" through the opponents goal posts at the end of the field.

The game is played on a giant oval, probably because they used old cricket fields back in the day. (it actually looks like a giant football from above) To start, the football is bounced in the center, much like the tip-off in basketball. The ball is shaped like our football, only a little rounder and bigger. It is about halfway between a football and a rugby ball in size. Teams can advance the ball by kicking, handballing (basically a underhanded Volleyball serve), or running. Like in most Aussie sports, kicking is the most important aspect of game. Aussies have very strong legs from running all the time from dangerous animals, so it only makes sense that they would enjoy kicking things. If the ball is kicked far enough and gets caught, the catcher can either run with the ball or take a step back to signal a free kick (which is just as the name describes). Players are allowed to run the ball, but only if they bounce it every ten steps or so (I officially challenge you to run with a football and bounce it back to yourself like a basketball...seriously, go outside and try it right now). If a player gets tackled, they must get rid of the ball right away, or it is dead and gets bounced for possession.

There are four posts at each side of the oval. If the ball is kicked unobstructed through the middle posts it called a goal and earns six points If the ball gets kicked through either of the outer posts, it is called a behind and earns one point. If the balls get touched by an opposing player while going through the middle post only one point is earned.

Each team has 18 players which can be dispersed in any way possible across the field (so basically, there are no "sides"). The team with the most points after four quarters wins the game.

It is actually a fascinating game with lots of skill involved. Many goals are scored at a very wide angle (so that means that players are kicking the kicking the ball into skinny band with mere inches to spare). Much like our football, it is a contact sport with lots of strategy. Since there are no "sides" players are dispersed all around the field, not just in a big line. This makes moving down the field a bit more difficult because you can tackled from any angle. There is very little stopping and play is more or less continuous until goals are scored. Aussies look down upon many of our sports because there is too much stopping. This sports has little international appeal due to its silliness, although it is played a bit in Ireland and New Zealand. In fact, there is an annual Ireland vs. Australia competition.

The hype of the grand final does not equal our Super Bowl. It was played in the middle of the afternoon and it did not seem very corporatized (which I found refreshing). This doesn't downplay the importance of the game, there weren't any people out and about between two and four in the afternoon.

The Speech

Jess was to give a speech on Thursday night, but due to a massive work function, she was forced back down on her agreement. Not one to let people down, Jess wanted to find a replacement. Every year, the Quota club invites a speaker from another country to talk of their experiences in Australia and how their cultures differ. Fresh off from a year in the States, Jess was as good as any foreigner. Well, with Jess out of the picture, can you think of anyone who could fit those qualifications?

After six days in Australia, I had developed deep insight into the inner workings of Australian culture. By deep insight, I mean a list on a tiny notebook of ways that Australians are crazy. From these observations, I put together something to deliver to everyone.

I was quite nervous; the original estimated attendance was 60 elderly women, killing any chance of dropping a well place f-bomb for comedic effect. Thankfully, it turned out to be only 30 elderly women and they were actually quite nice and energetic. The speech went very well. Given the intimate nature of the venue, I was able to interact with the audience, which always helps. I'm not one to just talk straight through. They seemed very entertained by my observations, especially the silly Aussie slang. At least Aussies know that they sound really silly. Don't worry, I'll start dropping those in here soon. (Be prepared to find out what frog&toad, dead horse, and dear mean...I doubt you'll be able to guess.)

For coming out on such short notice, they gave me a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc from Adelaide, which was unexpected. Jess is quite lucky that I'm faithful, because a 80 year old woman invited me back to her place to suck down some VB (equivalent to Steel Reserve 2020 in the US). I passed, but not without a thought. Her husband might not have been to happy either.

The women were fascinated and quite angry about our restaurant tipping system in the states. Here, wait staff actually gets paid a decent wage, so tipping is rare, barring exceptional service. Also, all prices have the taxes included in the price, so what you see in the menu is the price of your meal. I also fielded questions about our social security system, which might be a bit more fascinating for 60+ aged women than for me. I just said I'm too young to have really benefited from it yet.

Go Twins!

Dust Storm

On Monday, my first day in the desert, I experienced my first ever dust storm.

The Outback is just a endless expanse of red dust and rocks. Since the air is so dry, whenever a huge wind storm starts, it picks up all the loose dry dust into the air and blows in a big cloud with the front.

A little after lunch, Les yelled for me to come to the back yard. In the horizon was huge wall of dust blowing right towards us (apparently, this was not nearly as much dust as normal). Winds pickued up to nearly 50 mph. Within minutes, the whole sky was completely red. Then the rain started.

Soon red mud was pouring out of the sky. It looked like a deep crimson night, much like a scene out of Revelations. Trees everywhere were topling over and streets quickly flooded. We experienced 12 inches of rain in mere minutes.

The rain quickly died, so Jess and I went for walk. Rivers were flowing in the streets and cars were trying to either ford the roads or find an clear street to get home. Down the block, a whole tree started flowing down the middle of the street.

They don't get too much rain here, but when they do, it really pours. Most busy streets have small bridges so people can cross the the gutters to sidewalk. These were useless as there were all just islands in the middle of the many rivers in the city streets.

One hour later, everything was mostly cleared away, a strong testament to the city's drainage systems.

Broken Hill made all the national news programs. The storm was the worst in nearly 20 years. Just the day prior, Jess was hoping for a good storm for me to see. She got her wish.

I am glad my expectations of the dry desert proved true.

First Day in Australia

My first day in Australia was quite action packed. My flight arrived into Adelaide around 10 AM. I was greeted by Jessica’s family and immediately had a cup of tea. The weather was beautiful; actually, it was identical to what I had just left in Colorado. It was as if I had gotten on few planes, traveled for 24 hours, then arrived right back where I started. I noticed right away though that the sunlight was significantly more direct; my skin started burning in just a few minutes out in the sun. Sun block will have to be my best friend, cause when you are as pale as Pop’n’fresh, skin cancer is a constant threat.

After our tea, we went to the oceanfront and had a lunch of Fish and Chips on the beach. (Actually, I’m not much of a fan of fish, so I had fried prawns (shrimp to the damn yanks) and calamari.) It was delicious!

We then headed back to the rental cottage, had a cup of tea and headed to a restaurant for dinner. I had a few beers and an interesting fusion dish. There was barbequed chicken breast with Indian seasonings, served over mashed pumpkin with a yogurt sauce. Pumpkin seems to be a staple of Australian cuisine; I’ve seen it almost as much as potatoes since I’ve been here.

At the dinner, I had a chance to meet a good chunk of Jess’s family. They seem like really great people. In general, the Aussies are very boisterous and friendly. Many people in the restaurant were standing around chatting while their food was being prepared and not sitting until dinner was served.

I ended the evening with a cup of tea then headed to bed.

I woke up five hours later, ready for lunch!

Travelling to Australia

If you ever feel the need/desire to make the trip from the United States to Australia, here is what to expect:

Most flights depart late in the evening in order to arrive early the next morning...two day later. I never got to experience September 18, 2008. It will be a day forever lost. Fortunately, on my return, I shall get to experience some shifty time traveling and live one day twice. Sadly, that whole day will be spent traveling anyway, so there will be no second chances to right any mistakes I've may make; as far as I am concerned, they can keep it.

My three by four foot prison was decently comfortable. May I suggest flying non-American airlines: the service is outstanding. I had my own television with 83 movies, a hundred or so episodes of popular television programs, video games, and an eclectic collection of music to keep me occupied. They served two meals with coffee, tea, and complimentary New Zealand wines. I had barely finished three quarters of glass before a wide-smiled Kiwi topped it off. I can only fantasize what the business class was like.

The first flight lasted about twelve hours, which is apparently a short Pacific flight. How long exactly is twelve hours in a three by four foot box? I read some of my book, had a lovely dinner of some cheese and crackers, watched three movies, and realized that I had barely gone through half my flight. Sleeping was not an option for me. Australia is about 14 hours ahead, so any sleep would just keep me stuck on a US time schedule. I still did sneak an hour nap. Breakfast was served with my choice of tea, coffee, juice, or whiskey. I chose the first option, but my thriftiness and claustrophobia made me think for moment about the whiskey.

After a short layover in Auckland, I caught another flight, a mere six hour puddle jump, to Adelaide. This second flight was partially spent sleeping because it was the middle of the night where I was headed.

The whole trip from Denver to Australia was one of the longest 24 hours of my life. I landed around ten in morning, but I couldn't go to bed for another twelve hours. Before departing from Denver I was already up for a whole day, so I had to spend about two hour days more or less awake. Consciousness left me the moment my head hit the pillow. I had two whole days worth of sleep to make up; I was wide awake by three in the morning.

Safe in Australia

Hello everyone!

I have finally arrived in Australia and am still alive. This is actually the first time I've been online in nearly three weeks! There was a time (three weeks ago to be exact) when I couldn't even conceive of such a prospect. Many blog posts shall follow in a very short amount of time. I may potentially ration them out over time...we shall see.

Books you should read #1: War and Peace

Occasionally, when I don't really have much to write about involving Australia, I will post a book or movie review or some other meaningless exercise.
Everybody should read War and Peace. Granted, it is very long, but so is life. Sacraficing just a reletively small chunk of ones life for this book is well worth the effort.

First off, it is War and Peace. It is probably the most famous novel that nobody reads. Many are very intimidated by its 1000+ length (although they shouldn't be). There are many long novels in the canon, but only one War and Peace. Telling somebody that you have read James Mitchner's Chesapeake just doesn't elicit the same response. Reading War and Peace will propell a person to the elite of readers.

Even without the bragging rights the come with it, War and Peace is a very good novel. Is it the greatest novel of all time? I don't think so; modern writers are much more concise with their messages. After a thousand pages and endless hours of reading, Tolstoy's message gets blunted a bit.

This is not to say that Tolstoy wastes space with lots of filler or embarks on endless internal struggles like those of Dostoyevsky. War and Peace does not have an unimportant page (well, at least until the second part of the epliogue). It is 1000 pages of endless plot. This is a dense read, no skimming allowed. Tolstoy rewards patient readers with many beautiful passages for those who slow down to admire them.

War and Peace features numerous protagonists (although by the end, you have to wonder if Tolstoy even believes in the idea of a "protagonist"). Each represents a level of involvment with life and position of influence in the world. Unfortunately, Tolstoy ignores peasants, but they don't really matter much anyway. All the characters are trying to find meaning and happiness in their lives against a backdrop of the Napoleonic wars. Characters try to control and manipulate an uncontrollable world; not even Napoleon can succeed. In the typical Russian fashion, those who get it become fat, those who do not die.

The philosophical message of the book is one that can be very comforting for a soul searching young adult or really anybody at any age or status: be happy with your sphere of influence. Just live your life. Searching for the truth only takes you further from it.

It is an ambitious novel that surprisingly does not implode under its own weight. He finds a fine balance between showing minute details of many characters lives and the complexity of European history of the early Nineteenth Century. Seeing a writer pull of such a achievment makes it worthwhile by itself.

What do we really know about Australia anyway?

Americans know many little things about the nations of this world. Germans wear leather pants and enjoy sausages. Mexico is dirty; don't drink the water. It rains every day in England, but there ample umbrellas.

These things are indisupatable chunks of general knowledge for the average American. Our knowledge of Australia is very different though. Australia is a western nation, but it is still an exotic place. Everyone speaks English there, kinda. Many can offer up a scant few tidbits about lots of places, but seem to have an wealth of knowledge about Australia.

This may be due of one of the greatest PR campaigns conducted by an entire nation. Because of the charismatic exports of Paul Hogan, Steve Irwin, and Natalie Imbruglia, Americans have created a distinct image of Australians that may not actually be true. It may be one of the most stereotyped nations in the world.

Here are some of the prevailing images/thoughts about Australia and its culture:

1) Australians are tough nailed, crazy, but have warm hearts and a big smile.

This is a direct product of the aforementioned Paul Hogan and Steve Irwin, with a little help from pre-2000 Mel Gibson. This is one stereotype that I do believe may be true, at least for the rural dwellers of the country. It does not help that many Australians are decended from crimminals sent when it was a penal colony.

2)Australia is a vast wasteland of endless deserts interrupted by an occasional swamp for the crocodiles.

Another product of PH/SI related entertainment. This is most likely true. Almost all of Australia lives in the few cities that circle the coast of the country. The rest is the bush. Only people in khaki shirts and funny hats live in the middle of the nation.

3)Everything in Australia can and will kill you.

This is a cold hard fact about the nation. Snakes will kill you. Spiders will kill you. Platypi will kill you. Crocodiles will kill. The hole in the ozone layer will kill, only very slowly. Heck, even a stingray killed Steve Irwin, and he's one of the toughest, non-John Shaft mofos in the world. One little known fact about Australia, over 60% of the population is made up of immigrants...this is because of the millions of natural Australians that die every year.

4) Australia is far away and on the opposite side of the world.

How far away is Australia? If you were to take a magic shovel and dig a whole from Minneapolis to Adelaide through a magic, spherical earth with a magical circumphrence of the Equator, it is a 7400 miles dig! If you just fly there directly using not-so-magical means and calculations, it is about 9648 miles away. Australia is not on the complete opposite side of the world (that would be the Pacific ocean), however, it is very close.
(Note: I assure you that some sort of math was used in my calculations.)



For brevity's sake, I shall stop at four points. So the big question, how much of Australia's projected image is sincere? If Australia does in fact have 60% immigrants, is the rest of the world getting sent the same images of Australia that we receive in America? Is this a conspiracy to make Americans afraid? Whatever the answer may be, I hope to dispell many misconceptions about Australia during my stay.

Introduction to Aaron's Assonant Adventures in Australia

Welcome readers to my first ever blog!

As the title implies, this is going to chronicle my one year adventure down under. As I plan to post something almost everyday (although, planned ambitions of this type often fall flat) there shall be a variety of categories for my blog posts. I assume that most of the readers have not been to Australia before or least know little about the country. For those that have been or know much about Australia, I appologize for my assumptions of your ignorance. There shall be the following types of posts on here: 1) whacky Aussie slang 2) Whacky Aussie culture oddities, including food choices, behaviors, hats 3) Chronicles of my travels and experiences 4)Random essays on random things with loose (contrived) tie-ins to Australia

Read on and enjoy. You are about to take a journey.

Behold the build-up.