In Defense of Armed Teachers

Hello. I’m an American, and I’m also a teacher. I’m packing. Does this make you feel safe?

           

It should. Since I started carrying a gun, I’ve yet to see a single child shot. The United States is filled with sickos, people who just want to prey on our children. If it wasn’t for widespread gun ownership, I believe there would be gun-toting creeps everywhere.

           

Every teacher in our school in Iowa is gun-adept. And we’ve all started carrying in class. America has some of the best teachers in the world, which is one reason why the United States leads the world in intelligence and rational decisions and the faculty at our school is some of the best in the country.

            

I’m proud to say that we’ve hired General Martin “Firebomb” Thompson. This guy’s great, has led our military in both Iraq and Afghanistan. He’s even worked with Trump. The second he heard that schools were looking for staff that might have some military or gun experience, he quit his high profile job to become a teacher. He said it was those bonuses that really drew him in.  We have him teaching General Science. What he lacks in physics, he more than makes up for on the battlefield.

            

Mrs. Campbell has been on our staff for years. 80-years-old, sweetest lady, just don’t try to take away her AR-15. She a small lady, so we figure she should have a big gun, to compensate. It the only way those creeps will listen. Her eyesight’s shot, but she was Ms. Cornhusker 1957. This may not say much, but in Iowa, shooting contests are a major component of our beauty contests.

            

We have John Anonymousman on the staff, who I will admit is a big of an enigma. He lives in a cabin out in the woods, avid hunter and trapper, makes great sausages. This guy knows almost everything. He’s really good at making bombs, which is a skill that is invaluable for any school. Teaches shop. Due to budget cuts, he’s also been doing Geography, which has been a great fit. He was telling me the other day about how the world is actually flat, just like a map. Now trust me, I was a bit skeptical at first, but he showed me a YouTube video that really opened my eyes. I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather have teaching our kids.

             

Funny story about his job interview. He’d never taught before, but the second he heard that we were looking for people to hang around the school, carrying a gun and watching kids, he jumped at the opportunity. He came in with a 50-page handwritten resume. It had a few bits about his musings on life, philosophy, governments, insurrection. We skimmed through it. He seemed a strong candidate to be trusted with our students, but it didn’t answer the most important question: was he gun adept?

Well, so John grabs a student, you know, it’s a school. They’re everywhere and throws him hard against the wall. He grabs a pencil from the desk, and then pulls out the AK-47 he had slung across his back. Now, the thing about John is, well, he’s a bit intense. He yells, “get against the wall!” We loved the discipline he inspired in that boy. He hands the pencil to the kid, tells him to put in his mouth. He takes three steps back, aims the AK and just obliterates that pencil!

Now, at this point everybody’s freaking out, mouths agape.  “What the fuck, dude?” It was me who broke the silence. “How’d you learn to shoot like that?" We hired him on the spot.

Last is Don Dreper. No relation at all to the TV character. He teaches history. Vietnam mostly. He was there, man. And I know what you’re thinking: Vietnam vet, probably has a screw loose, is likely some edgy PTSD guy. And it’s true, but we’re pretty sure he’s medicated.

Since 2013, there have been 300 school shootings, but since we’ve introduced guns to our staff, we’ve lowered that number to two, in just our school alone. Before you get too worked up about even that small number, consider that not a single child was harmed in either of them.

The first happened during one of our routine war game/safety drills. Dougie the janitor was running around with a spray bottle, pretending to be a school shooter and things just got a bit too real for Don.

It was a tragedy for sure, but rest assured that Dougie was martyred in the noble cause of protecting our children.

The second was nothing but a minor misunderstanding. Trevor Martin, father of Tyrone, the only black student in our school, had marched into the school unannounced with a bag lunch for his child. We no idea why he figured this would be a wise idea, but he had barely made it through the door of the cafeteria before he was mowed down by 76 shots from Mr. Anonymousman who was on sentry. That is the problem with brown paper bags, you really have no idea what’s inside. From our perspective, he could easily have been carrying a bomb, or God forbid, a gun into our school!

Tyrone understandably transferred to a new school, and as he was our only black kid, we don’t likely see such a problem happening in the future at our school.

The introduction of guns to our faculty has had many unseen advantages beyond the obvious deterrence of attacks. Attendance is at an all time high. Homework completion rates have been increased to 100%. Students have never paid better attention to their teachers than now. They are constantly concentrated on us; they watch our every move.

I know that a lot of teachers in other districts are complaining about the general lack of funding being compounded by the arming-bonuses and increased ammunition-budgets. I feel that this is just a necessary step that needs to be taken. Books, stationary, school supplies, computers, etcetera are very important, but they are useless if our kids aren’t safe. You can’t teach a dead kid. They’ve tried.

As the head of the English teaching in our school, I’ve had to review a large number of our books and reevaluate their educational value. For example, we had to sell our copies of the classic, but much misguided and irrelevant To Kill a Mockingbird. I reread the book and found that it might even be confusing to children. There are absolutely no examples of killing in any way, birds or otherwise, so it really has no use in our curriculum.

Finally, we just can’t ignore the efforts of Mr. Anonymousman, who has been using many hours of his free time, living in the office to copy his own handwritten textbooks that he had spent much of his life compiling. His theories and philosophies have become an integral part of the school’s future direction and the students are clearly the better for it.

Before you scoff at the idea of arming you teachers, just remember that teachers are among the most reasonable, level-headed figures in our society and there are few work environments that are as low-stress as a school full of children. And few things make me feel calmer than the weight of gun at my side.